As you’ve not doubt noticed, I do not have a video to share today.
I’m sorry if that makes you sad. I’ll be back with video content next week.
I’ve really struggled with this final week in June, this final week in the whole ‘Victor/Motherhood Suite’ I’ve been working on… I’ve really just struggled with this content.
I’ve practiced and thought about it and practiced again and talked to my spouse and thought about it some more. And because I didn’t want to make a 30 minute video of me just rambling out words I thought I’d take a stab at writing something.
So, here’s to jumping in and trying something a bit different.
The life I currently live is not the one I dreamed.
That sounds a bit harsh, but I don’t really have a better way to say it. Well, I don’t have a better way to say it that won’t to some extent destroy the impact. I think.
When Victor was really little I was spending time with a cherished family member and they said something along the lines of:
“Well, isn’t this your dream.”
and I replied:
“No actually, this was never my dream.”
Sharing this exchange with you makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like I’m going to be judged. But there is really so much more to my response than just those words I said.
Being a stay at home mom was never something I saw (or dreamed) myself doing. Having children was something I figured some day I’d grow up and do, but honestly I hadn’t ever really liked children. I had like 5% experience in babysitting, which means I basically knew nothing going into this parenthood thing.
The future I dreamed of when I got into high school, when futures kinda become more of a tangible thing, looked a little like this: Go to college, get degree in business/marketing (cause that’s what I heard I’d be good at), get married at 25, have two kids at some point, speak around the world (had nothing in particular in mind at the time), get interviewed and be on TV… You know, normal stuff to dream, right?
I hadn’t planned my wedding, or what my future home ascetic would be, what state I’d live in (always figured it wouldn’t be this one I grew up in). I hadn’t picked out the perfect names for my kids or what I wanted my engagement ring to look like.
Buuuuuut, I have practiced all kinds of topics I could talk about. I daydreamed of being interviewed for National Geographic (cause it was like legit my favorite magazine ever). I’ve imagined what it might be like being on a red carpet. I’ve dreamed of being introduced at large conferences.
As a read over what I’ve just shared, I’m super embarrassed. I sound like such a fame and glory hound. I seem like someone who is only interested in making piles of money and looking pretty.
Yet none of that is my heart.
It never has been.
I want to be seen.
I want to be heard.
I want to make a difference. And I want it to be big. And loud. And excellent.
And I want to do it while still being me.
I haven’t gone to college yet, I got married at 19, became a homeowner at 23, adopted my first pet at 24, only traveled outside of the country once (at 18), didn’t learn to drive till my early 20s, had my first child at 25 and became a stay at home mom. Does this sound like that perfectly crafted dream I had? Nope. And is that totally okay? You bet it is.
Did you know you could change your dreams?
And like, not be bitter for all eternity about it?
Did you know you could make new dreams?
And like, still keep your old dreams alive?
My life right now is basically the opposite of what I ever imagined it would be.
But it is more than I could have ever dreamed.
I’ve gained a satisfaction in living my best life right here right now right where I am that I didn’t think I could ever have.
Shouldn’t I be super depressed that I don’t have my college education? I could be, and I have been. But I don’t have student loan debt hanging over me. Besides, who says I can’t go when I’m good and ready?
Couldn’t I be so bitter that I got married young and didn’t “find myself”? Yeah, I could and at times it felt like I was left behind. But, I have so much comfort in being married to someone who has known me and grown with me.
And since I didn’t like children and had basically no prior experience with children, shouldn’t I super hate this stay at home gig? That would make a lot of sense, but strangely enough it’s not at all accurate.
As I’ve grown my dreams have grown too.
Don’t get so caught up in what could have/should have been.
Don’t get so obsessed with following your dreams that you miss living.
Maybe it sounds like I’m telling you to sell out or settle or let your dreams/passions die. I certainly don’t want anyone coming away from this post with those feelings, so no.
Maybe the advice is to critically evaluate your dreams and adjust accordingly.
Actually, that’s pretty good. I think that is what I’m going to take from this blog post. Some dreams you need to keep feeding, but some (like when I was little and dreamed of being a marine biologist) need to be learned from but let go of.
As always, I pray my late night ramblings have spoken to you and that by transparently sharing my heart you’ll feel bold enough to do the same.
Happy Saturday, friends. Thanks for letting me share, I feel a lot better than when I first started this post.
P.s.- Just in case there was any confusion: I LOVE BEING WITH MY SON AND BEING HIS MOMMA. I just want everyone, including him in the future, to know how much he’s changed my heart. Victor changed my whole world and it’s be most beautiful thing.